Letters from the White Queen

As I stare blankly at the screen contemplating my self-worth, I wander. (As much as my computer is trying to correct me on the correct use of wonder instead of wander....I do mean to use wander) My thoughts drift in and out from the pain of this morning and disappointment. I was let go, again. And like a funny Taylor Swift parody, I did what I do best in these times; write. I write my thoughts and hopes. Spill a few too many tears over a guy who cowardly ran away and another one who moves a step closer to matrimony.  Perhaps it is all that my friends say; I’m too pushy, too kind, setting myself for failure, too forward and different for a guy in the Coptic community. At one point someone suggested that I should seek at life as a nun, which was meant to make me laugh. It did just that because I could not imagine a foul mouth soul like myself lasting long. But all those things: the one truth that stands is the fact that the Right One will stay.  It is my bruised ego that hurts the

How does one find the words for empty? I feel empty of emotions and feelings. As though all my struggles in relationships are for not. There are three who pull my heartstrings. 1) My Kryptonite: We are fire and fire when we are together. There is no way we could ever be together because we butt heads in the worst ways. However, there is a mental stimulation that exists nowhere else. I love him but he can't possibly be the one I meant to have ever after with. He knows me too well which can't be a good thing in the long run. 2) The Coward: Though he preaches that his ex whom he dated off and on for 8 years is the sole person who can understand him; I think he is very wrong. In fact, I think he is a coward and would rather stick to a known mediocrity connection because he always knows how she will hurt him. The truth is; someone like me is rather formidable. Yet, I love and care for him because I see a world of endless possibilities. Also, he just might be the closest thing I&

Open Letter to my Blog: When I wrote my last entry those many months ago, I had hoped that I was entering moments of pure bliss. Unfortunately, that was not the case. 5/6 months went and gone in a flash and what I gained was utter confusion. I fell in love with a guy who was never emotionally available to me because he was/ is still in love with his ex. In fact, as I'm writing this, I'm pretty sure he is with her. It would be easy for me to play the victim in all of this but I am not innocent. There were flags everywhere and I chose to turn a blind eye on these moments and went with what felt good instead of facing the reality that I would always pale in comparison to this girl. And he did his part by not healing completely and involving another heart into the confusion. Despite who is at fault, I am the one left with a broken heart. I lost count how many times I've cried over the course of the 6 months. To the outside point of view, it seems like a simple solutio

Love. The word itself is so simple but is vague and can mean a multitude of things. The Greeks knew this and broke love down into 4 specific types. 1) Storge—empathy bond.  2)  Philia—friend bond.  3)  Eros—erotic bond.  4)  Agape—unconditional "God" love. In a previous entry, I went into great detail about each type of love as they were seen from a Christian perspective.  Today, I'm just writing an entry on Eros; well, my journey in looking for love. To be frank, I've always seemed to be seeking for another as though I am not complete as a person until I have found my soulmate. It has been ingrained in my every being since I was a child through society, movies, and social media. You are not and can not be enough until you have a husband and XYZ children.  What happens though when the idea of a perfect nuclear family is debunked and you're left with countless failed relationships? You're left with me sitting in a coffee shop wondering if there&

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am kind. And most importantly, I am worthy of love and affection. I wish I could tell you that these thoughts have been nurtured and running through my veins for all 32 years of my existence on this earth but that is very far from reality. Up until about a few months ago, I felt the absolute opposite.  I grew up thriving on my self-worth solely on the thoughts and feelings I received from men. Always feeling insecure in my body and my lack of ‘coolness’ is and has been my general motif. For those who don’t know, I snapped at one point last year and chopped off all my hair. Though this seems like a normal task for most girls, it was a huge step for me. It was at that moment I chose myself over the thoughts of many. That was the moment I chose to just live and be without restraints. Over the last year, my faith in God has been greatly challenged. Though I remain spiritual, I don't know if I would consider myself religious or at least having that

Date yourself. Sounds like a simple concept, right? It should be a rewarding time of self reflection and learning about one self. However, for those who know me, this is going to be painful and overall agonizing for everyone.  The first few words from my friend, Sasha, were ' You're going to have a meltdown. Literally, you will melt down.' Naturally, the bullheadedness in me wants to rise up to the impossible challenge .  Background:  A couple months back, my 3.5 year disfunction ended when The Black Knight decided that he found the Golden Vagina aka the girl who is better than me.  Side note: I'm crass at times and unapologetically so. Also, these are PC nicknames. The ones that are actually used are not so kind. *cough* BoxTroll Three FAQ people probably have about the Black Knight. 1) Is he black?: By no means in any sense of the word; below or above the belt. The nick name is play on of Lancelot aka the White Knight. One thing I will admit is