I AM.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am kind. And most importantly, I am worthy of love and affection. I wish I could tell you that these thoughts have been nurtured and running through my veins for all 32 years of my existence on this earth but that is very far from reality. Up until about a few months ago, I felt the absolute opposite. 

I grew up thriving on my self-worth solely on the thoughts and feelings I received from men. Always feeling insecure in my body and my lack of ‘coolness’ is and has been my general motif. For those who don’t know, I snapped at one point last year and chopped off all my hair. Though this seems like a normal task for most girls, it was a huge step for me. It was at that moment I chose myself over the thoughts of many. That was the moment I chose to just live and be without restraints.

Over the last year, my faith in God has been greatly challenged. Though I remain spiritual, I don't know if I would consider myself religious or at least having that zeal and eagerness to seek God. I know we are all faced with moments of utmost darkness and fear as we journey through faith; over the year, I had absolute moments of emptiness because I found myself like an empty soul imitating what faith was supposed to "look" like instead of trusting that there was something greater than myself. There were two weeks in November in which I would consider myself an atheist; no God and no purpose. Those two weeks were met with a near-death experience on the 91 that has scared me for life. It was at that moment that I was reassured that God was real. And for the most part, I've remained here. Practicing but not feeling.

Then there was dating. Dating was a non-issue. I decided to take a break from dating after the end of my rather confusing 3.5 year - limbo relationship. At first, it started off as a few months until I could pass the holidays; then it was a year before I knew it! This isn't to say that I wasn't talking to anyone. In fact, I spent a large chunk of those months talking to a guy in England. Sadly, it just fizzled as I found myself and the direction of the friendship more like those of my 3.5 years limbo. With that being said, the year I took to breathe has made going back into dating fun, again. I have no idea where anything will go but I'm sure going to find out.

Lastly, bulimia. My old parasitic relationship of 11 years met its demise this year though it is like the boogie man and lurks its awful head once in a while; I can finally say that I did the bulk of its undoing this past year. Looking back I'm not sure what was the trigger that pushed for this change. It might have been my non-reaction to the Netflix movie "To the Bone" or my current friends pleading that they didn't want me to die. On the surface, you would have never known that I was dying inside. I'm not skinny so you would never suspect that I was wasting away. However, the biggest thing with bulimia isn't the skinny part; it is the constant loss of electrolytes to the heart which eventually gives out like an uncharged battery. This wasn't easy. It's not a habit that you break overnight or even over the course of weeks. It took a lot of work on my mental health because eating disorders are far more than just a physical thing; there is a lot of rewiring that needs to be done. But I did it! There are moments when I am shocked and ashamed that this was ever an issue in my life but it is a battle wound that I'm learning to wear. 

I would like to say that this past year has been a grand coming of age movie as I've settled into my 30s, but it lacks the soundtrack to make it romantic and has stale moments mirroring those of an indie movie where a constant white noise is heard in the background. The main difference being the fact that I am ready for life and its surprises knowing that I am worthy.