Pain. Learning to love myself.



Open Letter to my Blog:

When I wrote my last entry those many months ago, I had hoped that I was entering moments of pure bliss. Unfortunately, that was not the case. 5/6 months went and gone in a flash and what I gained was utter confusion. I fell in love with a guy who was never emotionally available to me because he was/ is still in love with his ex. In fact, as I'm writing this, I'm pretty sure he is with her.

It would be easy for me to play the victim in all of this but I am not innocent. There were flags everywhere and I chose to turn a blind eye on these moments and went with what felt good instead of facing the reality that I would always pale in comparison to this girl. And he did his part by not healing completely and involving another heart into the confusion.

Despite who is at fault, I am the one left with a broken heart. I lost count how many times I've cried over the course of the 6 months. To the outside point of view, it seems like a simple solution. Just stop and let go. But for me, a simple task such as that is very hard to do. Simply put, I have abandonment issues and that has made me very weak in the past and this situation is no different.

However, this is the first time I've been able to vocalize my pain to the person who is causing it. I thought that by being graceful and withholding my feelings; things would sort out in the universe and the anguish I felt was wasted energy, thus; there was no point in expressing it. This is wrong. One must be willing to be absolutely vulnerable and that means being comfortable being ugly and sometimes cruel to other in order to be kind to yourself.

Learning to be cruel to those who hurt you in order to heal. That's what I'm learning to do. Pulling away just a little in order to fall in love with myself. And when the healing is over, things can grow once again.

Until we meet, again.

Linda

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