Letters from the White Queen

In this little box I hold, All the little secrets of my life unfold. In this little box you find; A love that can move all time. In this little box unknown; A heart that can never be overthrown. In this little box foretells; All the greatest stories that will propel. In this little box I hide; The depths of my mind for fear they come online.  Note:  Originally, I thought that I would reveal this mysterious face for all the world to see. But in truth, I like the mystery it creates. A faceless person whom I care so dearly for is one who will stay a mystery until further notice.  It is probably best not to know the face but to feel and experience the emotions. For it is what we all experience when we fall in love. The only difference is that not many of us are willing to put our hearts on the line in such a public forum.

I love you. There is no doubt in my mind. And no other love in my heart. I love you. It is simple as that. In your ugliness; I love you. In your weakness and doubt, I still love you. I love you no matter how far you cast me away. I love you in your anger and stubborn ways. I love you, EVERYDAY! Note:  So unlike all the other poems I've written. This has never seen my private IG account. This is now. I am silly fool, but for all the things I've seen and experienced...I would rather bleed love for all the days of my life. I will never give up because love is the root of human purpose.  You would think that I would give up completely at this point and claim a life of spinsterhood. But, no, my prince is out there somewhere...everything in God's Time.

Let me paint a picture. Let me paint it great and tall. Let me disguise what I am, So you SEE nothing at all. Let me paint a picture, So you see perfection and no FLAWS. Let me paint a picture, So I AM nothing at all. Note: Pull out the cap words: "See Flaws, I am." As much as I try to hide on social media, I am not perfect and my life is far from it. But, this is like so many of us when we log on and post a photo or two, quote, or even a funny status update. We are all soo concern of how others perceive us that we forget to be real/ raw.  

At the end of your days: Will your time on earth account for something? Or will your body leave this world, Without leaving an impression behind? What will you be?  The wallflower, Or the centerpiece in your life's story? I want to be the soul that stands before God, And is able to say that I expelled all the gifts he gave me; And did my best to experience life in its fullest.  Cutting all the red tape and soaring above the clouds.

In the midst of my fears, That is where I find YOU. I am bare for all the world to see, Yet, YOU stand beside me. I dance and soar through the sky, And there you remain, Right beside me. Always watching, Always guarding, Beside me. Note: This is my relationship with God. I feel his constant presence in my life through good times and bad times. He is always there with me. No matter the outcome. My life is HIS. 

There is a joker amongst the court. He sings and plays all day long. He is full of spirits and humor, But isn't very tall. He is loved by all. Alas, they don't know;  He is not the joker at all.  For in their comfort,  They reveal their hand to him without fault. He controls them all. Each one having a part,  In his orchestrated ball. He is the puppet master, Who sees all.

In the darkest corners of my mind, that is where I find you. My thoughts of you creep out when I think I am fine. Oh, how the concepts of self worth play in my mind. For it is I to blame for your sudden good bye. Note:  I believe we can all relate to this idea of blame when relationships end. The process of getting over is difficult and lonely at times. But when we pray and look towards HIM for answers, we are never alone. HE will always be with us through our heartache and the happiest moments of our lives.  A prayer life is essential in being the beckon of life in the darkness. 

I've built a thousand bridges. All of them leading up to you, Yet, you never cross them to meet me. You stare,  You question and you linger.  But never have you crossed a bridge to meet me. With time these bridges will rot and fall apart.  When that day comes; You will never see the traces of a bridge, Leading you to meet me. Note: Though I believe that true love never really dies; it is possible for the human heart to give up Hope. Because what perpetuates us is Hope. But once that is lost; the heart learns to move on and bury the memories into the past and move forward with hopeful eyes for a brighter tomorrow. 

Will you love me now, As you did before the end? The lights in which we can not see. Will you see me then? Or was it all for not? Will I forever love the ghost who has rot? Note: I believe in second chances; I guess that coincides with the hopeless romantic part in my me.  So line for line:  The first phrase is questioning if love still exist once a relationship is over. I believe that if the love is true and genuine; it will surpass the hands of time. The second phrase: When we are going through heartache, everything is unclear and blurry.  Instead of rose colored glasses, they are narrow shutters in which we profess that we lost our only means of happiness.  Third and Fourth: Will these views through our narrow shutters become our own worst enemy? And will we live within a beautiful memory instead of facing its reality? I am guilty of all those things, but the key note in my growth over the years has been my ever growing love for God. Throug...

I take a piece of you everywhere I go.  You are forever a part of me: Heart, body and soul. As we journey separately into murky waters remember this: You are never alone;  And the hearts that we strike are forever ours for the keeping. Forever in my soul. Note: I believe that everyone we meet influences us and leaves an impression behind. It is up to us to decide if these encounters will inhibit our growth or give life and meaning as we navigate through this life time.   No matter the outcome, I will never be the same, again, because I know him and love him. The act of loving another human being is one of great sacrifice and hope. We can only pray that God guards our heart and strengthen our minds through these hills and valleys.  For, in the end, it is HE who ultimately writes us our 'perfect fairytale.'

With hopeful eyes I look at you; Wondering if you see me through. All the things I've seen, All the things I want to hide. Do you see me with your eyes? I bare myself before you; Please tell me you're there, At my side. Note: Not all my poems are about romantic love. This is about One's relationship with the Lord.  The last year for me has been a very trying time in terms of my education as well as my spiritual journey with God. At times, I felt lost and very much alone because it was as though I was suffering in vain and no one knew.  It is through these moments I began to press in with prayer and vigilance that I was able to rise. We forget that our lives are filled with battles; God and the devil are constantly trying to vanquish the other.  Honestly, I think I'm going through one of those moments right now. But I must first trust in him and know that ultimately it is all for his glory. 

Two lovers meet hungry and unsure; One cold as stone to the touch, The other soft and weak. They run through the woods with many fancies alike, Until it is their time to say goodbye. Two lovers know that their time is right; To push away and bid good night. They both walk away in bitter sweet delight. Note: I admire Robert Frost's Poem: Two Roads. I was thinking of that poem when I wrote this. The poem talks about a mutual break up/ parting of ways. Sometimes we are given people for a short period of time to put us back on track. I feel God does this through romantic situations as well as friendships. Every person we meet leaves an impression in our lives. Sometimes its good and sometimes its awful. But we must rise to learn and grow in the process of becoming what we are destined to be in HIS kingdom. 

The Prince of Dreams stands boldly with a chisel face, As his narcissism overwhelms him. He stares at his reflection in the water with a heavy sigh and great doubt.  His heart was as pure as his appearance yet it was not enough. How could she draw a sword so deep, That the sweetest Ambrosia of the Heavens could not ease the pain in his heart. Instead, he shrouds under the cloak of misguided fancy with maidens, In hopes of filling the void which he made with them. Note: This entire poem is inspired by Greek Mythology; more specifically, the story of Narcissus. I absolutely love Greek Mythology, Arthurian Legend and Ancient Egypt. But I'm more familiar with Greek and Arthurian, so I tend to make parallels there in my stories. (Story of the Black Knight is all Arthurian influenced) Anyway, when I wrote this poem it was when I was dating the Islamic Faith Guy. (I will not tell you his name and the picture to the left is all I will EVER show anyone) Let's ju...

Lift the veil you use to cloak your eyes. I see you as you are. Don't be surprised. I see you. I see ALL of you. All your pitfalls. All your glory. All the things you want to hide. I see you with my clear eyes. Have no fear because I see you,  And the ALL the beauty you keep locked inside. Note: This poem can have many meanings, but it only has one. It talks about when you fall in love and you see the person clearly not just with rose colored glasses. I feel so many of us are afraid to show our true selves; especially with our significant other. But someone who truly loves you will see beyond your mask. They will love you purely and completely.  We are all a little bit broken and a little bit unlovable. But that does not make us undeserving of love. Love is the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon us and it given freely without condemnation or expectations.  For example: God loves us no knowing if we will love him back and bring glory to him in...

Je t'aime. Such a simple phase yet it holds soo much gravity. As we get older it gets harder to say and even harder to express. It isn't because we don't know love.  It's because we are afraid to take that risk;  The plunge that leaves us vulnerable to all the harsh realities of this world.  I don't use it often so if you feel it from me;  It is a huge expression.  Because I love you not knowing if my feelings will ever be returned. Note: I am elated when I think of him, but I know our time is done and that God will give me another. I have been soo desperately holding onto a ghost who never was. My Black Knight was not a knight at all. Though he may appear valiant. He was a charlatan who is unaware of the greatness that runs through his veins. But I am not called to judge. God gives each of us soo many gifts and blessing; making us his finest works of art. But it up to us to bring glory to him through our lives and our actions. For me, it is ...

These Citadel walls. How mighty there are; Never allowing light beyond their walls. Through each battle they stand valiantly and tall. These Citadel walls see how they fall.  Letting the light in for their treasures a re not so small. These Citadel walls.  They are not so tall. Note: This poem is completely about me. I have many walls and layers. On the surface I seem cold or arrogant to many, but that's not the case. I just take awhile to open up and once I do; I am your friend for life or until you break my trust.   I feel a lot of people can relate to this. We get hurt as we go through life and instead of being soften by the blow; we harden our hearts to others.  If there is just one thing I learned from this entire experience; it is that I MUST be soft no matter the situation. It might not be easy but to be able to walk away and act with grace is what God wishes for all of us. 

In another time, in some other place, you and I had another story. I know this because when I look into your eyes it is with great familiarity. Our souls have be bond to one another for centuries. You were my sun and I was your moon. Maybe we aren't meant to be together in this lifetime but I've kissed those lips a thousand times before; I'll kiss them a thousand times evermore. Note: Do you ever just meet someone and have an instant connection? May it be a kindred spirit or finding your other half. There's an indescribable feeling that overcomes you when you meet this person. 

Do I shine as bright as the rest? Or do I emanate a glow of my own? When you see me, do you see my apparent flaws?  Or do you take me in as a whole and love me despite all? What makes me so different from the rest? It is because I see YOU as a whole and love YOU despite all.

My prince. He does not ride valiantly on a white stead With dashing looks a nd a chin worthy of praise. He does not slay dragons by day and plunder his wealth by night. My prince.  He’s not dashing by other's standards. He is a child at heart. He journeys this world with God and a Bible at his side, So that in times of utmost darkness; HIS word will be the weapon of choice. My prince. He is out there. So in the mean time I look up in my moments of darkness And praise the Lord for all the good that he has done. Note: I remember on one of our dates; the Black Knight asked me a question: 'What quality do you look in a guy?' I don't know why I said it. But my answer was simple: 'I want a man who puts God first.' Someone who believes God's hand in his life to the extent that he had to listen to God to find me. Silly, huh? But that was my answer. Looks die out and all you're left with is the personality and qualities of a person, so it is be...

"On the day of the equinox, the knight had finally addressed the maiden. But it was with great distance. It was as though their  time together  had never happened. She felt like a fool. The maiden was puzzled by this revelation.  So she continued to pray for guidance and courage. HE said: BE STILL." Note: Eventually, we did start talking again. He saw me through the last 6 months while I was on my spiritual journey. He was truly my backbone in all things. There wasn't a week that passed by that we didn't at least talk a handful of times. I could not ask for a greater blessing than him through my trials and especially through the sudden death of my uncle. However, when the time came for my baptism; he wasn't there like he promised. And I knew what I had to do. I had to let go and finally let God do his work.  My belief is that if we are truly meant to be in each other's lives; God will find a way. If not, I hope he knows th...

"As time progressed, she thought that she would remain  casted off and forgotten like the rest. Who was she compared to the knight? It was his kingdom after all  and she would be gone in a year's time. Then the equinox came." Note: I felt as though I was not enough, therefore; it was obvious that he would just leave me all of a sudden. There had to be something wrong with me, right? If I was good enough, he would have stayed, right? That's everyone's thought process when relationship end. 'If only I was enough.' And though, I take responsibility for certain things; I did not deserve that treatment. Respect is given regardless of the situation. We are called to act as Jesus did; with grace in spite of circumstance.  The equinox is my code for saying Spring/ Easter. The equinox comes twice a year; it is the time in which day light is equal to night fall. During the Middle Ages, the equinox would stir about a great celebration for ...

"Days turned into weeks which turned into months.  Not a word was spoken between the two. However, the silent whispers and smirks continued as the maiden tried her best to move forward.  She could not comprehend why his two subjects would continue to persist;  for she did nothing to perpetuate their gossip. She kept turning to prayer not only for herself but for the subjects and the knight.  Never forgetting to do so each night." Note: Like I said before, gossip is poison. His two co-workers would snicker and point when they saw me. It was HORRIBLE. I would go home crying. It was like being in high school, again. And the worst part was I couldn't really talk about it. I suffered in silence.  Looking back, I believe the reason why his two co-workers were cruel was due to the fact the girl had/ has a huge crush on the Black Knight. She probably felt really rejected and unhappy at the situation. (Honestly, it has taken me a very long ...

"As time passed, there was a buzz amongst his subjects.  Silent whispers as the maiden would go about the village. Then the day came when the maiden had come too close.  The knight shut the doors of his castle without warning. Broken hearted she turned to prayer and asked for strength and courage. Things were different now; she could not run. God wanted her to be still." Note: Gossip is toxic. I kept this relationship a secret because of our close proximity on a daily basis. However, it did not stop those around him from talking. But the pain wasn't the gossip. It was the fact that he did not believe me. It was very obvious at that moment that I would always be the enemy.  When he shut the doors, it was due to a lot of things but the main reason was the fact that I had contacted his sister asking for his shirt size.  I wanted to get him a hoodie with the Hyrule Symbol to go along with the Triforce Lamp from Etsy. In my message, I s...

"They spent hours discussing about philosophy,  the latest news of time travel across galaxies & dimensions,  and their mutual admiration for hymns. It was a joust of like minds. However, the maiden knew there exist a dark shadow over the knight.  It was not one he discussed fully but she knew it was  only a matter of time before she would be cast off.  It was not something unfamiliar to her. Yet, she stood still and prayed every night asking for deliverance." Note: What I find attractive in a guy is a brain. You have to be on the same frequency as me to keep my attention. I get bored easily.  The black knight and I spent a lot of time debating/ discussing about religion, music, Doctor Who, and human nature. That is what I meant by the first line.  As for prayer - I started praying for him when I asked him out on October 25, 2013 and never stopped. I still do, but the prayers are much different than they w...

"She was arrogant and brash without yield.  Her stubbornness was equal to her wit and it bemused him. What was this thing that stepped into his life and expected instant acceptance?  It was his mirror image. She held the qualities that he saw within himself.  Those of which he so detested. Little did he know that the feelings were mutual. Despite butting heads, there was an instant spark which could not be denied." Notes: He doesn't think we are similar at all. In retrospect, its probably true. I am person of my word...If I can, I keep every promise I make. And I'm stopping here because I'm starting to get mad... Any case, when we first met; he had the ability to roast me in my seat. What I mean by this was he was able to cut through my bullshit and make me feel uncomfortable. No one really has been able to do this to me...let alone on the first meet. 

Good Evening, I had hope that my break form my blog would be longer than this. However, I feel a pull to start this next set of blogs a lot sooner than I anticipated.  Let me first begin by explaining the premise around this blog, now. For those who have followed me from the beginning - this blog has seen many faces. First - my life in solitude when I ran away to Texas. Second - My growth in spirituality into Orthodoxy. And now - there is, yet a new face to my blog. It is one that is most personal and fairytale like/ hopeless romantic.  I hope you all have fun with this one.  Background: There is no question to the depths in which I fall in love. I am irrational and very much a fool when it does happen. On a psychological level it probably stems from my need for acceptance and constant self evaluation. I can honestly say that I've only truly been in love twice in my life and that does not include my 3.5 year relationship which is rather unfortunate to admit....