To my first born.



To my first born,

I’ve written hundreds of letters but I have yet to write you one. It’s not that I have forgotten you or that you never cross my mind. Sweetheart, you’re always on my mind. I just don’t know where to start or even what to say other than “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry that I was young and foolish. I never knew you were growing inside of me. All I felt in that moment was utter pain and betrayal. Instead of protecting you and nurturing you, I washed my tears away with alcohol and cigarettes. And when you finally came and left; I was speechless. I didn’t know what to do but to flush the memories away.

I wish I could say that my life changed for the better from that moment on, but it was only the beginning before the fall. The years and events to follow would shape me to the person I am today.

Today, you would almost be 5 years old and about to start kindergarten in the Fall. So, I sit here and wonder what you would be like. Would you have my almond eyes that smiled whenever you smiled? Would you have my funny stubby nose and asymmetrical grin? Would you have a look in your eyes when you were up to no good? How would your laugh sound if I gave you tickles on your belly? The answer to all these questions is: I don’t know.

And though I miss you everyday, I know it was right for you to leave me when you did. I wasn’t ready for all the love you had to offer. I had soo much growing to do in order to find HIM. My only hope and prayer is that you forgive me and are proud of the woman I am today. I still make mistakes but I hope you forgive me and watch over us.

Until I see you, again, my darling.
Mommy

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