Letters from the White Queen

Date yourself. Sounds like a simple concept, right? It should be a rewarding time of self reflection and learning about one self. However, for those who know me, this is going to be painful and overall agonizing for everyone.  The first few words from my friend, Sasha, were ' You're going to have a meltdown. Literally, you will melt down.' Naturally, the bullheadedness in me wants to rise up to the impossible challenge .  Background:  A couple months back, my 3.5 year disfunction ended when The Black Knight decided that he found the Golden Vagina aka the girl who is better than me.  Side note: I'm crass at times and unapologetically so. Also, these are PC nicknames. The ones that are actually used are not so kind. *cough* BoxTroll Three FAQ people probably have about the Black Knight. 1) Is he black?: By no means in any sense of the word; below or above the belt. The nick name is play on of Lancelot aka the White Knight. One thing I will admit ...

First, I want to state that its been a very long time since I've written a post. It's not due to the lack of thoughts and emptiness in my spiritual growth; it has been simply due to the fact that 24 hours really is not enough time. Not only do I juggle driving from office to office as a sonographer; I do the same as a piano teacher. Life is never ceasing. But don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. I love it all. Moving forward. The topic I wanted to talk about is Singlehood or simply what it is as a single woman/ and or person in the church. (These are my own experiences. Please do not throw it out of proportion.) Its many things. But most of all, it is tough. I find myself trying to almost explain myself to questions and statements such as: "Why are you single?" - It is not by choice. I just haven't found someone who wants to be with me. "You seem soo put together. Why are you not in a relationship?" - I'm sorry to say this b...

To my first born, I’ve written hundreds of letters but I have yet to write you one. It’s not that I have forgotten you or that you never cross my mind. Sweetheart, you’re always on my mind. I just don’t know where to start or even what to say other than “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry that I was young and foolish. I never knew you were growing inside of me. All I felt in that moment was utter pain and betrayal. Instead of protecting you and nurturing you, I washed my tears away with alcohol and cigarettes. And when you finally came and left; I was speechless. I didn’t know what to do but to flush the memories away. I wish I could say that my life changed for the better from that moment on, but it was only the beginning before the fall. The years and events to follow would shape me to the person I am today. Today, you would almost be 5 years old and about to start kindergarten in the Fall. So, I sit here and wonder what you would be like. Would you have my almond eyes that...

In this little box I hold, All the little secrets of my life unfold. In this little box you find; A love that can move all time. In this little box unknown; A heart that can never be overthrown. In this little box foretells; All the greatest stories that will propel. In this little box I hide; The depths of my mind for fear they come online.  Note:  Originally, I thought that I would reveal this mysterious face for all the world to see. But in truth, I like the mystery it creates. A faceless person whom I care so dearly for is one who will stay a mystery until further notice.  It is probably best not to know the face but to feel and experience the emotions. For it is what we all experience when we fall in love. The only difference is that not many of us are willing to put our hearts on the line in such a public forum.

I love you. There is no doubt in my mind. And no other love in my heart. I love you. It is simple as that. In your ugliness; I love you. In your weakness and doubt, I still love you. I love you no matter how far you cast me away. I love you in your anger and stubborn ways. I love you, EVERYDAY! Note:  So unlike all the other poems I've written. This has never seen my private IG account. This is now. I am silly fool, but for all the things I've seen and experienced...I would rather bleed love for all the days of my life. I will never give up because love is the root of human purpose.  You would think that I would give up completely at this point and claim a life of spinsterhood. But, no, my prince is out there somewhere...everything in God's Time.

Let me paint a picture. Let me paint it great and tall. Let me disguise what I am, So you SEE nothing at all. Let me paint a picture, So you see perfection and no FLAWS. Let me paint a picture, So I AM nothing at all. Note: Pull out the cap words: "See Flaws, I am." As much as I try to hide on social media, I am not perfect and my life is far from it. But, this is like so many of us when we log on and post a photo or two, quote, or even a funny status update. We are all soo concern of how others perceive us that we forget to be real/ raw.  

At the end of your days: Will your time on earth account for something? Or will your body leave this world, Without leaving an impression behind? What will you be?  The wallflower, Or the centerpiece in your life's story? I want to be the soul that stands before God, And is able to say that I expelled all the gifts he gave me; And did my best to experience life in its fullest.  Cutting all the red tape and soaring above the clouds.