Working on me and God.


It's funny how every time when I'm at a complete loss for works or direction in life this is the place I find myself. My blog. The beginning of my "adult" perception of the world. The version of myself that I hope and believe is this all-knowing person because I have aged and is now 'woken.'

But the true reality is that I'm dreadfully lost and blessed at the same time. It is easy to find oneself in utter despair and forget one's blessing but it takes another level of 'wokeness' to realize that not all aspects of your life are as shitty as you think.

For one, I am truly blessed to have Mark in my life. I love him dearly and often reminded of his love on a daily basis. I could have never imagined that God would bring him into my life last year when I thought all was lost and that I would die from the loneliness that covid created. I can't even begin to describe what it felt like to have not hugged anyone for almost two months and wanting to be comforted because being in healthcare was terrifying. Correction: Being IN healthcare is terrifying to this day. The amount of stress that we take on even from my little sonographer standpoint is overwhelming; I can't imagine the intensity of the stresses for those more closely working in the hospitals or on the floors of covid patients. But I digress. 

Second, my sister and cousin gave us Joaquin and Jude. I know I love children but as I've matured in this career, I will say that babies give me such joy. We, as perinatal sonographers, see soo much that can go wrong with babies that to see life is an utter blessing. 

Before I continue with my tangent I need to include the rest of my family, my friends, church and work all under the umbrella of blessings.

 (Not going to lie. I think this blog is serving as more of a reminder for me and not much else but I guess we shall see.)

Moving forward to the last couple of weeks. I feel empty, without worth, fat, stupid, and VERY far from God. Not so much in the sense of 'God doesn't like me anymore and this isn't where I'm supposed to be' but more of a 'Are you there, God? Can you give me some guidance in my life so I don't feel as worthless and in despair when it comes to studying for my fetal echo boards or my physical appearance?'

In the past, this would be the point in which I would begin my bulimic episodes and pretend that I was perfectly okay with my disposition. But as the years have gone by, barfing is not without consequence. My chest hurts at times and I think it's because my heart can't physically take on that burden anymore. Before this wouldn't bother me because I was alone and I felt that I was more of a burden on those around me rather than an addition. However, in the past year, I've grown to love this gift of life ever so much and want to be the protagonist in my own life and not so much a wallflower watching others live the life I want. 

So that's kinda where I am right now. My soul is poor and desperately wanting God, my mind is weak because I feel uncomfortable in my skin and my mind is spent on studying for my board exam. (I missed a passing score by one question the last time. I hope you hear the amount of anguish in that one statement.) I'm praying that this upcoming lent will be a turning point for the good.



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