Tangent Thoughts



As I stare blankly at the screen contemplating my self-worth, I wander. (As much as my computer is trying to correct me on the correct use of wonder instead of wander....I do mean to use wander) My thoughts drift in and out from the pain of this morning and disappointment. I was let go, again. And like a funny Taylor Swift parody, I did what I do best in these times; write. I write my thoughts and hopes. Spill a few too many tears over a guy who cowardly ran away and another one who moves a step closer to matrimony. 


Perhaps it is all that my friends say; I’m too pushy, too kind, setting myself for failure, too forward and different for a guy in the Coptic community. At one point someone suggested that I should seek at life as a nun, which was meant to make me laugh. It did just that because I could not imagine a foul mouth soul like myself lasting long. But all those things: the one truth that stands is the fact that the Right One will stay. 

 It is my bruised ego that hurts the most. I know deep down it wasn’t missed opportunities;  just a wider window into an understanding of the man who God wants me to find. Whether he be Coptic, orthodox, or any other denomination of Christianity. I would hope that this man exists.

A man who is imperfect and willing to not only accept his flaws but work on them in order to get closer to God. A man looks towards God and the love He promises to those who follow him. A man who can love me in all my messes and scars but looks at me through eyes of clarity. I'm not sure if that is too much to ask. I pray that it isn't. 

 Yes, when I hurt, EVERYTHING in my very being radiates pain. I'm not sure why I feel life at these intensities. I suppose I've grown accustomed to accepting life with the bitter and the sweet; never knowing what fate befalls me as I tread to for a closer relationship with God. 

 And as the Lenten Fast approaches, I pray that God may take my focus away from my heartache so that I may focus on His love and grace.

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